The Best Birthday Advice Ever!

My friend Derek Harney just gave me this excellent birthday advice and I want to pass it on. He wrote:
“I don’t want to miss this birthday, since it will likely be the last one you have! Here are a couple tips to taking advantage of being an old man!
Remember to complain about everything that sucks, like the entire world. Sit on the couch and watch the TV as much as physically possible, and then a little more. Build a mound of empty beer cans on the couch next to you so no one can sit next to you and steal your alone time. Be rude to people you’ve never met, they don’t know what you’ve been through! Criticize the youth, they’re stupid! Remember to distance yourself from your pesky family, no one wants to do girly stuff with their daughters! Don’t let anyone challenge your ideas, you have no room for improvement. Most importantly remember to take everything very seriously! Goofing off is for hippies, and you’ll never get into a good retirement home if you waste your time making jokes and playing children’s games! Don’t forget any of that! If you do you could get a belly ache from laughing and that would be very uncomfortable. Comfort is the most important thing! Also Beer! Beer is the most important thing!”

Reading With Willy Vlautin, Wed, Feb 21st

I’m reading with Willy Vlautin tomorrow night in Eugene as part of his release tour for his new novel Don’t Skip Out On Me. We’ll be at The Foundry, Sam Bonds on 8th, at 7PM.

Willy was in London last week, and Portland last night (reading at Powells). He’s one of my favorite authors and an incredible reader.

Come check us out if you’re free!

Check Out This Hipster Romance!

I found this hipster romance by Rojelio Duranmás on Amazon and it’s SO funny. It’s a little dirty too, but for people who have a sense of humor, click here:


(Café Oscuro Y Mojitos)


Works In Progress – Spanish Poetry: La Pregunta

I’ve been writing poems in Spanish lately, then translating them back into English.

Here’s an attempt – a work in progress – a rough draft of a recent poem:

La Pregunta

Eres como un eclipse,

oscuridad del sol, día

muerte un poco

una sepultura, yo camino

y veo el cielo,

giró violeta, se sombra.

Un cuervo talla los cosmos,

confesor negro, pajaro

sacerdotal, y yo pregunto

mi consulta.


And in English:


The Question

You are an eclipse,

obscurity of the sun, day

dying a little

a tomb, I walk

and see the sky

twist violet, shadow itself.

A crow carves the cosmos,

black confessor,

sacerdotal bird, and I ask

my question.

Vote For The Teen Choice Awards – Too Shattered Nominated!

I just found out that Too Shattered For Mending has been nominated for the 2018 Teen Choice awards because of its starred reviews. This is the book equivalent of the top-200 Billboard songs at the end of the year. Voting starts now and goes through the start of February. If you liked the book, please vote. Also, please share this link with your friends on Facebook and Instagram. I need teens to help promote. Would anyone mind helping me spread the word?
Click here to vote!

My Other Dog’s Personal Ad

Hank Williams Jr
I guess both dogs are looking for something else. I just searched and found Hank Williams Jr’s personal ad in his kennel.
Unfortunately, Hank doesn’t hold a pencil well in either paw, and spelling is not a skill he possesses.
I typed it out exactly as he wrote it:
“I em a grayt dog. Maybee the graytest. I am fun end full of inergy. I em sensetiv. I luv everthing.
I em looking for a dog like me to run end bark end wristl end play with. It is even bedder if U injoy lycking the penisses of eechuthr end smelling eechuthr all the time. I wud injoy thet a lot. My bruther Bob Dilln is not a fun enuf dog and also he duz not wont to be a sexul partner weth me even tho he smells amayzing end we wud be purfect together. He is allways gitting ennoyed with me abowt the smollest things and it is rilly frustrayting. I need sumwun better, so that is wot Im looking for heer. Pleez rispond if U like to be fisical and lowd. We can tuch eechother evry secund end bark end bark end bark end bark.”

I Found This Personal Ad That My Dog Wrote…

Bob Dylan

My older dog – Dylan – wrote what looks like a personal ad in his journal recently (I found the journal hidden under a blanket in his kennel). I know I shouldn’t share Dylan’s journal writing, but he’s not a friend of mine on social media so I don’t think he’ll discover this post:

“Hi, my name is Bob Dylan The Boy Dog Hoffmeister, and I’m looking for a quiet companion in life – someone who is nothing like my brother Hank Williams Junior.
I enjoy exploring the Sisters Boulders or walking in shallow water, chewing on elk bones, stealing food from humans, and rolling in dead things.
I am a very open and honest dog. I don’t like clowns, balloons, lightning, fireworks, or windstorms that make the doors slam. I don’t like it when people argue or cry, or talk too loudly at each other even if they’re smiling.
To be clear: I am not interested in having sex with anyone. Please don’t lick my penis or smell my anus. If you do either of those things, I’ll get angry and growl, even if I don’t mean to, and even if we were getting along pretty well before you decided to do that.
I do enjoy sniffing faces and would happily lick at the air in the direction of your breath. I would also love to lay in the sun with you, howl at an ambulance together, or walk somewhere without touching each other. Maybe – once we get wherever we’re going – we can take off our leashes and run free in the fields, hopping like kangaroos or hunting bugs in the grass.
My favorite places are the high desert in Central Oregon or plush wingback chairs in a warm living room.
Please meet me in a park or call my parents to set up a play-date.”