I played the ultimate dirtbag sport the other day:
Dirtbag Golf Rules:
1. Whenever you can, play for free. This is important. If you can’t figure out how to play for free nine out of ten times, then you aren’t a dirtbag.
2. Smoke something cheap. Outdated Swisher Sweet Cigarillos are a good choice.
3. Drink Hamm’s talls. Cheaper than PBR. More yellow than water.
4. Play from July to September. Windfall plums, apples, and blackberries will keep you full.
5. Play “Plus-Minus” with golf balls. If you lose three and find seven, that’s “plus-four golf”. In this kind of golf, a higher number is better.
6. Related to rule number 5, dig, wade, and swim for balls. It’s fun, helps your plus-minus score, AND freaks out locals.
7. Play “Plus-Minus” with tees. Seems trifling, but anything can keep a person entertained during what Mark Twain called “a good walk spoiled”. If searching for tees is too boring, ultimate fight a friend, brother, or sister for each unbroken tee found on the course (UFC-style tapouts will ensure a “golfing” injury).
8. Fish all ponds and bow hunt nutria. Bring a plastic bag for “take-home meat”.
9. Play at least one entire par-5 hole with a putter.
10. Finally, and most importantly, never take yourself too seriously. That’s gumby.