Was walking down the hall at school today when one of my students, Tyler, ran up and said, “Look at my finger, Hoff. It’s all bloody. I made fifteen tries on the brick bouldering route and got one move. It was awesome.”
Now that may not sound awesome to you, but I liked that. He was excited about blood, bouldering, and failure (three things I know pretty well).
So I immediately agreed to a Wednesday after-school buildering sesh on the unsent 18-foot brick wall project at the school. Three students, Tyler, Spin, Caleb, and I will all try to get that elusive FA on the front of the school.
I thought about Tyler and his finger later, and laughed. All he had to say was “bouldering” and “blood.” That was basically his pick-up line to me. And it worked.
And THAT made me think of college, when I watched so many failed pick-up lines, the best being the ones my wrestling teammates slurred drunkenly at pretty coeds who didn’t understand wrestlers or wrestling terminology at all.
One teammate of mine was infamous for saying lines like, “You’re really pretty, girl. Have you ever seen me shoot a double leg?” or “Hey, beautiful, I run a bar arm with my half.” The girls always looked at him like he was some sort of large zoo bird squawking jungle gibberish.
And bringing that to the climbing world, what kind of climber to non-climber pick-up lines would inevitably have to fail?
So here’s the scene. Young local hard-man climber goes into college-town bar on a friday night. He looks fine until he opens his mouth. And here are his pick-up lines on college girls:
1. “Hey, baby, I onsighted two V7 highball horrorfests today without a spotter, and I didn’t even cry.”
2. “Damn, you’re a fine woman. You remind me of those perfect placements I found for my three nuts on Astroman last year.”
3. “Mmm mmm mmm. Have you ever belayed a man on a dirty nasty off-width?”
4. “Oh, yeah, you’re like chicken heads sprouting up all over the face.”
5. “Good evening, pretty lady. Can I interest you in an early morning fist-crack jam session tomorrow?”