The following is a dirtbag climbing application sent to me via email, authored by THE Underwear Model. It’s a good life when you receive emails like this:
Dear Mr Astroman
I read on a cheap internet climbing forum you are needing a partner for one such endeavor also known as the “greatest test of free climbing skill” in the valley-i.e. the world, please consider me for the following reasons and consider this my resume….
1. I never rat out climbers for bitching, whimpering or accidently “pulling” on gear-just ask Garrick.
2. I do a neck down body shave for big events such as Astroman, but leave a mean Go T.
3. I’m going to dress up as Slider (the volleyball scene) from Top Gun next Halloween, and you are invited to the party.
4. I drank a 6 pack of Hamms tall boys last week (not in one sitting) just to prove to myself I was still tough.
5. I do NOT EVER make short jokes to short climbers to their face OR behind their backs.
6. I have been to the valley no less then 10 times. That’s right 10 times!
7. I have climbed bachar cracker (drunk) with two beautiful women cheering for me.
8. I have talked about Yosemite routes way more then I have climbed them, and more then anyone I know personally.
9. I have consumed un-eaten discarded pizza from the Mountain room bar on more the one occasion.
10. I have pissed in a bottle, and purposely smelled it when I dumped it out 4 days later.
As a bonus….slept in El cap meadow while the rangers flashed their high beams across the prairie.
As a double bonus. I helped YOU meet Ron Kauk as you speechlessly watched him walk on by. Please consider the hardcoreness of these reasons and get back to me promptly.
Lee Dean John Chouinard Peter Hans Mallory Watts Lynn Bachar Frost Robins Baker.