Everyday Dirtbag Entry #78 (also not by me).

Read post #77 before reading this one because it’ll only make sense that way.

The following is Jackson climber Garrick “Care Bear” Hart’s response to THE Underwear Model’s email:


Care Bear (CB):  Due to mr. lee dean john chinard hans mallory whatever baker’s shameless
self promoting and not so subtle insults of yours truly, i feel that I
must respond and present my own contrasting qualifications.

THE Underwear Model (TUM):  I read on a cheap internet climbing forum you are needing a partner for
one such endeavor also known as the “greatest test of free climbing
skill” in the valley-i.e. the world, please consider me for the following
reasons and consider this my resume’….

TUM:  1. I never rat out climbers for bitching, whimpering or accidently
“pulling” on gear-just ask Garrick.
CB:  1. I never even remember what happens on the big climbs, but I do what it
takes to get the job done.

TUM:  2. I do a neck down body shave for big events such as Astroman, but leave
a mean Go T.
CB:  2. I never shave anything below the neck, and don’t trust anyone who does
(unless they’re female)

TUM: 3. I’m going to dress up as Slider (the volleyball scene) from Top Gun
next Halloween, and you are invited to the party.
CB:  3. I dress up like goose from the volleyball scene every day

TUM: 4. I drank a 6 pack of Hamms tall boys last week (not in one sitting)
just to prove to myself I was still tough.
CB:  4. I’ve drank 3,437,792 Pepsis over the past decade, preparing my body for
to be tough

TUM: 5. I do NOT EVER make short jokes to short climbers to their face OR
behind their backs.
CB:  5. I don’t get it… who’s short?

TUM: 6. I have been to the valley no less then 10 times. That’s right 10 times!
CB:  6. I had been to the valley 4 times… prior to going with mr. baker on
his first trip

TUM: 7. I have climbed bachar cracker (drunk) with two beautiful women
cheering for me.
CB:  7. I don’t waste precious minutes in the valley pebble wrestling

TUM: 8. I have talked about Yosemite routes way more then I have climbed them,
and more then anyone I know personally.
CB:  8. I have climbed yosemite routes way more than I have talked about them

TUM: 9. I have consumed un-eaten discarded pizza from the Mountain room bar on
more the one occasion.
CB:  9. I can afford to buy my own pizza

TUM: 10. I have pissed in a bottle, and purposely smelled it when I dumped it
out 4 days later.
CB:  10. I have accidentally pissed on my portaledge.  that is why I’m smiling
when mr baker is bragging about the extra space he gets on the outside
spot on the ledge

TUM: As a bonus….slept in El cap meadow while the rangers flashed their high
beams across the prairie.
CB:  As a bonus… slept 5 nights straight by myself on Lurking fear after mr
Baker went down to sleep in said meadow

TUM: As a double bonus. I helped YOU meet Ron Kauk as you speechlessly watched
him walk on by.
CB:  As a double bonus…  Had a 2 day private speed climbing clinic with hans
florine, who once held the speed record on the nose with peter croft, who
once “bouldered” astroman with no rope.
TUM: Please consider the hardcoreness of these reasons and get back to me
promptly.
CB:  Don’t bother getting back to me… i know what the answer is… i’l just
see you down there in June

TUM: Lee Dean John Chinard Peter Hans Mallory Watts Lynn Bacher Frost
Robins Baker

CB:  Garrick

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