A Book Like the Apocalypse (and Oprah)

I feel like a Mazda salesman as this book is about to come out.  I’m hoping that Mazda is the one brand people are looking for.

Tsunami Books just emailed to say that they ordered 100 in anticipation of the next two weeks’ sales. And I’m thinking, “I don’t have that many family members.”

Plus, as my blog readers know, I only have one friend: my-only-friend-in-the-entire-world-Jeff-Hess. So where will the other 95 sales come from?

Trickery.

Lies.

I’ll tell them that in the book I divulge my long-standing affair with Oprah.  She’s not as good in bed as you would think.

That I shot Castro in 2006, but it was never reported internationally.

How President Clinton molested me in 1997, but I sorta liked it.

How I used to cook meth in my classroom at school.  No, wait….that’s too far.

How I used a #2 pencil to subdue an addict who was cooking meth in my classroom at school.

How I gained forty pounds to play the role of that one guy in the movie that you didn’t see yet but it won a lot of awards at the Sundance Film Festival.  People’s choice, etc.

How I survived 77 days alone on the ocean, floating on a particle-board bookshelf.

How I ate sharks.  Raw. Killed them with my long fingernails.

How I sunk the Titanic.

The time I pitched a no-hitter in a minor-league game, but gave up one walk to lose the entire game.

The time I ran for president of the plumbers’ association and changed clogged drains forever.

How you loved me.

How you needed me.

The time I splinted your compound femural fracture in the woods and saved your life.

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