Rant #257,943 – I Must Be Too Stupid To Understand Marketing


I’m not very smart, but I’ve noticed a pattern. This is the average commercial:

A bitchy, smart, thin, well-dressed mom/girlfriend/wife is out at a restaurant/supermarket/Verizon store, and she’s there with a slightly (or very) out of shape male who would never be able to date/marry/talk to her in real life. The male is also pretty dumb or gluttonous or socially inept or unable to control himself, and embarrasses the woman he’s with. But then she jokes with the kids/store employee/waitress/owner and everything’s okay again because even though the man she’s chosen to be with is incredibly ridiculous/stupid/balding/soft-handed/video-game-playing/incapable of cooking, she condescends to put up with him and that makes her a better person.

Or am I missing something?

And since the goal is to sell product or make a brand known or establish a market for something that doesn’t yet exist, using unrealistic and over-the-top stereotypes must be the best way to do it.

Like I said though, I’m not very smart + I’m balding + I don’t know how to talk to anyone at a Verizon store.


On Not Owning A Cell Phone

So maybe I don’t like cell phones. At all. Maybe I don’t think they’ve added anything to our culture.

Maybe I think they’ve ruined a lot of things too, like, for example, talking to other people, hanging out without interruptions, driving cars, looking around at the world around us, going outside, being self-sufficient, knowing how to read a map, looking up every once in a while instead of staring at your stupid expensive phone, looking people in the eyes, using dictionaries, reading books on the Subway, reading books without stopping every two minutes to check a text, listening to music while staring off…

This list could go on and on and on.

Plus, I hate every cell phone advertisement ever. Why do we need phones? Why do we need them with us everywhere we go? Why does every family need a “family plan”? Why do we willingly carry a device that tracks where we are? And would we readily accept chips in our brains if they were offered to us? I think so.

Maybe my opinions are too strong, but I’ve never owned a cell phone, and here’s my new essay for Vice Magazine titled “Confessions Of The Last Human Being On Earth Without A Cell Phone” :

Click to read.

Bonus: The artist Jack Graydon drew some ridiculous pictures of me to go along with the article. I’m so ugly in these drawings that it’s awesome.

On Cell Phones and Facebook.

I realized that my-only-friend-in-the-entire-world-Jeff-Hess doesn’t understand my decision-making process.  He defended his phone and Facebook addictions.

But for me, it’s all about time.  Anything to save time, set aside time, put more time into the things I care about.

Thus, to start, no cell phone.

I know.  I’m the weird one.  What used to be seen as a cool oddity – that I don’t have a phone – is now thought of as a freakish character flaw.

To quote a lady I met recently.  “WHAT?  YOU DON’T HAVE A PHONE?!!!  ARE YOU KIDDING?  THAT’S RIDICULOUS.”

People don’t even try to hide their disgust.

So I get it.  I’m passe.  So far behind the times that I’m picking up its garbage.

But I know myself.  I can get addicted to anything.  And if I had a call anyone at any time/text as much as I want/check the internet anywhere I go/Twitter it/hand-held device, things would get ugly.  I’d be like those hunched over University of Oregon football players who, I swear, cannot walk two steps on campus without checking their phones.

Same with Facebook.  Or as the cool kids say, F-Book.

Pictures and messages and updates and three-hundred “friends”?  Really?

How much time could I spend browsing there?  Five hours a day?  Ten? Fifteen?

I already blog for two websites, check my email with the mouth-slobbering frequency of a meth addict, read inane sports posts until way past my bedtime.  So do I really need one more thing?  One more time suck?

Like I said, I understand people’s reactions.  I’m the weird one.  But I know me.